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Roshi7 Lauren Dow Essay Edit

Page history last edited by PBworks 15 years, 5 months ago

 

 

Lauren Dow

 

 

 

I appreciated the passion you have for your subject.  Your essay was very conversational and had a causal tone, but it had quite a bit of statistics and numbers. Very heavy on the pathos.  I hoped that you could add a few links to some of the information you were discussing. Citing sources for your assertions. The logos of your writing suffers, due to the personal nature of your story. The paragraph structure needs to be cleaned up a bit, where you change back and forth from discussing the personal "I" story, i.e. when you used to go to the dump.  You might want to separate personal anecdotes in their own paragraphs.  Some of sentences ran a little long, and the punctuation could be cleaned up. 

 

I enjoyed when you reminded us that the trees are for breathing, though I feel the emphasis could have been either broken off (Oh yes, that's right - breathing) or possibly italics/bold (Oh yes, that's right - breathing) for better effect.  I hope you were being sarcastic.  Sometimes it's tough to convey that in writing (like I'm some expert).

 

As for scolding us for being lazy, that is a little harsh, even though I couldn't agree with you more.  Is the audience you are writing for the one's who are lazy?  And your closing statement "You can make your own conclusions" is like a slap in the face. Ouch! Were you trying to coerce your audience into awareness of the need to recycle?  I hope you were trying to lead by example, offering personal experiences of reduce, reuse and recycling, instead of shaming the reader into action.  I have always been bothered by the lack of commitment for reuse (I used to work in a pawn shop, so I know how much junk the average Joe Six Pack has, and how disposable our lives have become). 

 

The flow of the essay could use some review.  A couple of additional passes with an eye on flow would help.  Otherwise a very good subject, and some great ideas.

 

20/25

 

Roshi7

 

 

P.S.  I hope you are feeling better! 

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